Love You, Panic, Bye

Something I’ve been exploring about myself recently is how awkward I find goodbyes on the phone.

It’s probably something I’ve always known about myself, but it became much clearer this week after a conversation with my friend. She said, “Why do you always do something weird before you put the phone down?” 😂

And honestly, she’s not wrong.

When I’m ending a phone call, I often rush it. I’ll say goodbye in a really awkward way, sometimes too quickly, sometimes too abruptly, and then I put the phone down almost immediately because I’m never quite sure what the script is supposed to be.

There’s this tiny moment at the end of a call where everything suddenly feels too exposed.

Have we finished properly?
Do I say something affectionate?
Do I wait for them to say it first?
What if they say something and I don’t respond right?
What if they don’t say something and then I overthink that too?

I’ve realised I do this most with my parents.

My parents, for the most part 😂, are amazing and genuinely wonderful people. But for some reason, those final moments of a conversation with them can feel really uncomfortable for me.

I struggle to say “I love you”, and sometimes I’m scared my mum is going to say it because then I won’t know how to respond naturally. It fills me with dread, even though I know that probably sounds strange.

But at the same time, I’m also scared she won’t say it, because then my brain starts analysing what that might mean.

Because mothers are meant to say it to their daughters, right? 🤦‍♀️

My head is a minefield.

It’s such a strange limbo to be in. Wanting reassurance, but also feeling overwhelmed by the possibility of receiving it. Wanting closeness, but finding the actual moment of emotional closeness really hard to sit in.

So instead, I often end the call quickly before I have to hear what comes next. Before there’s a pause. Before there’s a chance for me to overthink it. Before I have to respond in a way that feels too vulnerable, too scripted, or too much.

The more I’ve reflected on it, the more I’ve realised I do this with a lot of people, especially when the conversation isn’t in a working or practical capacity. If there’s a clear purpose, I’m usually fine. I can end a work call. I can finish a practical conversation. I can do the functional bit.

It’s the emotional sign-off I struggle with.

The part where connection is expected to be wrapped up neatly in a sentence.

The exception is my children. I always tell them I love them when we end a call, and if I didn’t, it would sit with me all day. With them, it feels essential. It feels like something I never want them to question.

And maybe that’s part of why I’ve started noticing it more.

It’s funny, the things you discover about yourself when you start paying attention. What seems like a small habit, a rushed goodbye, an awkward ending, a quick escape from a phone call, can sometimes reveal a whole lot about how you navigate connection, vulnerability, reassurance, and the fear of not hearing what you need to hear.

I’m learning that sometimes the awkward things we do aren’t random at all.

Sometimes they’re little protective strategies.

Sometimes they’re clues.

Ellie x